i've been a mom for 39 days, and it's unbelievable the amount of things i've learned and gotten used to in that short amount of time. for one, nothing is about me anymore, and i'm surprisingly okay with that. when i wake up, it isn't about what i want to do that day. it's about is he awake yet, because if he is, i need to change him right away and feed him. and then after that, i need to make sure to get a good few burps out of him, because if i don't i'll end up in a milk shower and we'll have to start all over again. everything is about him. when he wants to eat, when he wants to sleep, when he wants to be held. he's the first thing i think of and the last thing i check on before i go to bed.
the c-section was a weird experience, and the recovery was extremely painful. matt watched the entire surgery because he loves stuff like that, and i remember just staring up at him before bennett made his debut, and the look on matt's face was one that i'd never seen before. he looked worried and weirded out and amazed at one time, and it was funny. i was terrified and extremely drugged up and didn't know which way was up, and my arms were super fuzzy-feeling, but everything else was numb and it didn't even feel like i had a body anymore. i couldn't feel anything. i remember looking up at matt and i said, "are you okay?" "yeah, i'm okay." "are you going to pass out?" "no, i'm not going to pass out. it's weird." "is it weird cause it's weird, or is it weird cause it's me?" "it's weird cause it's you." he told me everything that they did, when they made the first cut with the laser and started pushing my guts around, and i just layed there and waited to hear him cry. about ten minutes in, matt looks at me and he says "i see his butt! i see his butt!" and five seconds later, i hear a scream. the first moment i saw bennett, i had this feeling that is completely undescribable. i don't even really remember what i said, something along the lines of "oh my god, oh my god, that's him", or something. i was in awe that that was the little person who had been in my belly for the past nine months. that was the person that i had morning sickness for for the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy. the person who i went through that miserable pregnancy for, and it was amazing to see him right there in front of me. you know how much people love christmas morning? it was a thousand times better than that. he was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen in my entire life. in that moment, i was filled with a love i had never experienced. i loved him so intensely. i started sobbing harder than i ever had, in this happiness mixed with disbelief. it didn't seem real. it was too good to be real. but it was, and that was the craziest part about it. he had these big chubby cheeks and he was reaching out and screaming his head off, and he was this tiny pink chubby baby, with an oval shaped tan birthmark on his right shin. his cry was so foreign and so familiar at the same time, like i'd heard it before even though i never had. he was so beautiful. it was weird, he had been right there with me for so many months, but this was the first time i actually saw what he looked like. that was crazy. holding him for the first time was even more amazing. that skin-to-skin contact was so important to me in planning the birth and how i wanted it to go, and it was therapeutic when it actually happened. it felt so at home, having his skin against mine. that's still my favorite thing, snuggling him tight right after i put a clean diaper on him, and before i dress him. i love his little belly which is continually getting chubbier and chubbier, and it's so funny because his cheeks are chubby again, but his arms and legs are still skinny.
your life changes so fast when it's not about you anymore. when you're in charge of someone else who can't do anything for themselves, you grow up. and if you don't, you need to. it took a minute for me to get used to the fact that i'm completely in charge. it's my and matt's decision what happens with him. it's completely our responsibility, nobody else's. it's kind of fun getting to pick out his outfits every single day, dressing him up, or when i feel like we're having a super lazy day (because every day is a lazy day), we're both wearing sweatpants and hoodies and cuddling on the couch watching Weeds and Bones til we're sick of it. it's fun having someone to talk to 24/7 even if he has no idea what i'm saying and can't answer me yet. i don't mind the diapers, even though we typically have 15 or more of them in a single day. i don't mind getting up to feed him when i'm sound asleep. because frankly, he is the easiest baby i could have asked for. he sleeps through the night every night, waking up around 7 or 8 am, and then going back to sleep til around noon. he doesn't fuss, just when he's hungry or has a dirty diaper. he's a super happy baby, and i'm a lucky mommy.
there's probably some people who doubted my ability to adjust to being a mother, but i have to say that i am proud of myself. i am being the devoted mommy that i've always wanted to be, and i will never be any less. because i know that he deserves the best from both me and matt, and that's exactly what he gets. i've learned that shopping trips don't necessarily mean i'm going to get exactly what i went to the store for sometimes, because if we have a blow-out with our diaper and our outfit along with our backup outfit gets covered in gross smelly presents, then we just have to turn around and go home and get a bath. luckily i'm good at over-packing the diaperbag and haven't forgotten anything yet, and always, always have an extra two paci's along for the ride. always pack a backup bottle. always pack plenty of burp clothes, diapers and wipes, and don't forget the decitin.
i'm proud of matt and myself. i can tell how much matthew loves bennett by the way he looks at him when he holds him, and how he never forgets to give him a kiss goodnight and goodbye. he is an amazing daddy and bennett is so lucky to have him. and i just hope that i continue to be a great mommy to him for the rest of his life, and that he knows that he can always come to both of us whenever he needs us. i don't like thinking about him growing up, because he is my little man. he is my buddy, he is amazing, he is beautiful. he is wonderful. he is absolutely the cutest little boy in the world. i don't take my time with him for granted because i'm already seeing how quickly it passes. i love him unconditionally. i love him with this crazy love that i've never felt before, and it's the best love. i know this isn't traditionally how it's supposed to go, you know, you're "supposed to get married first" and all that, but i'm so glad it happened this way. last year when we had our miscarriage, it was the hardest thing i'd ever had to deal with in my life, and it still was to me. but it's okay that it happened, because this is the way things were supposed to be. i wouldn't trade bennett for anything at all. i would do anything for him, and i know that in the future, if anybody messes with my kid they're going to have to deal with me and matthew, it's not going to be pretty. we love you bennett matthew myers, you are our miracle baby.